Esther

Losing my hair, for me, well I think I was in denial. I knew that some people lost their hair while on chemo and I knew it was something that would probably happen to me but when the time came it was not easy. On my first chemo my Dr told me “you know you are going lose your hair” I said “yes but maybe I’ll be one of the lucky ones and not lose it”. His response was “Well you’ll know in two weeks”.

I had a follow up apt in 2 weeks one week before my next chemo, the Dr. Looked at me and said “you still have hair” I smiled and said once again “maybe I’m one of the lucky ones”. He looked at me and said “you WILL lose it”. Sure enough the next day I started to see more and more hair on my brush , a couple of days later my daughter turned to me and said mom I think it’s time. I knew what that meant; time to cut my hair, knowing that she was right I agreed. As she was getting the clippers ready, my granddaughter sat at the table not to miss anything that was happening as she had done since I was diagnosed. She wanted to know everything. We all tried to explain what was happening to grandma in a way a 3 year old could understand. My daughter started cutting my hair and I started to see the hair fall, I couldn’t hold it back any more, my tears started to roll down my face. My granddaughter looked at me and said don’t cry grandma I still love you and you look beautiful. That made me even cry harder, this 3 year old trying to console her grandma.

Why was I crying , I didn’t understand, was it that I felt like I was losing my identity, was it that now everyone would know that I had cancer and I couldn’t hide it any more, did this make it more real, was this like having a big CANCER written over my now flat chest. I believe it was all those things but this little person was going to assure me that all would be ok and this was only temporary and this too would pass.

After I was done with chemo and started feeling a little more normal, I started to toss lots a papers and flyers that I had accumulated over the last couple of months. When I came across the turning heads flyer, I tossed it in the trash as I said to myself why would I want a reminder of my ordeal, but the more I thought about it the more I told myself why not. So I took it out of the trash and called and made an apt. a couple of days before my apt again I thought what do I need this for and I was almost going to cancel, but for some reason I did not, the morning of the apt I was still not sure I wanted to go, and at that moment my daughter popped her head in my room and said mom are you’re ready, so I went.

When we pulled in to the parking lot of Turning Heads we were greeted by Debbie, and I thought oh well I have to go thru with this I can’t turn back she already saw me. We were then greeted by Stacy and then Olga. They all seemed so cheerie and upbeat. I told them that I was very nervous and I was almost not going to show up, they said that I would have a great time and they all made me feel very welcome. From the start with my makeup to the end of the photo shoot the 3 made me feel so special, I even forgot that I had no hair. They made me feel like a super model with her (flow girls). I had a wonderful experience, and I know this will be a great memory not a sad one. I’ve already gone thru the worse part now all I have to do is start living.

Thank you ladies you don’t know how special the day was for me and how much fun I had, it was WONDERFUL